Perfect Discipline, Extreme Courage and Exceeding Strength

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt– SUN TZU

Two years ago, I was at the in the middle of my very long drawn out grueling divorce. I was handed a book from someone. The book The Art of War. I looked a little dumbfounded. What does this have to do with me right now? I am not headed to war, or was I? Read it, it’s time to fight is what he spoke to me as he handed me the book. I flipped through the book and thought what the hell this was written in 500 BC I can’t even understand what’s being said. Not, until I sat down and fully put my mind to the military tactics being laid out.

I spent many hours in attorney offices and court rooms. I just wanted it to stop, but now the man I was once married to was now my enemy. I wanted to scream out my part and explain every part of unfairness for something I did not cause. My attorney, who more then once had me in tears in his office, coached me over and over about losing my cool. Losing my cool? It’s what I do best when I feel like I need to be heard and to defend myself. If you don’t control yourself you will lose everything we are fighting for and losing control is exactly what they want you to do, he said to me.

So now a fighter had to fight another way. I had to learn to fight in silence. Make moves in silence. I turned to my book. It taught me so much about how to catch my enemy off guard. It taught me to the the Gray Rock Method. Although on the stand and being questioned, or facing my ex when he wanted to trigger me would make my whole insides burn like I was on fire, you couldn’t change my reaction or my facial expression. I finally set my boundaries of how things were going to go. My attorney was right all along, He did the dirty work and I focused on myself and to be the silent the dagger I needed to be to protect myself, my sanity and my children.

We fast forward 2 years later. The book that was handed to me was now from the same hands that wants to destroy my mental state. I let my guard down. I fell for the man. A man that was so mysterious I yearned to know him more. Everything I learned, I set to the side. I gave whatever I even had left inside me to make this work for over 2 crazy years. Literally gave everything I knew to understand him. It’s 2.5 years later, am I left wondering what the hell I have even been doing for this long. It’s not fulfilling to me. We broke up months ago and yet I play the same stupid games. I let his words destroy me. I have found that same fearful girl I once knew. The one that doesn’t sleep, that lets anxiety of the situation take complete rule over my days. That little girl you’ll find trying to fix something that isn’t fixable. The one you’ll find curled up in a fetal position on her floor praying for the pain to end. It’s nothing, but a vicious cycle and I keep playing the game. My mental state of mind kept me playing in the wound.

That game stops now. Our last worthless conversation comes to an end now. He’s now placed in the same category of those that mess with my mind. He took everything he saw me go through in my divorce and he has used it perfectly against me. Intentionally or unintentionally I will no longer allow it. I’m reaching in his back pocket and stealing back my worth. No one will take this hard work I’ve done to heal and use it against me.

Boundaries, a word for the hurting I can not stress enough. I speak from experience. It’s taking back your life, your control. I’ve sat in many hours of therapy over the last 3 years being taught boundaries. I grasped it once when I went through my divorce then let my guard down wanting to be saved by a man I fell in love with. I failed at it once again, but that’s okay. I am a firm believer everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to experience it once again to fully take back hold over my own life. To never let it happen again. Pain and hurt build internal strength for something down the road you’ll need to be prepared for. Without sitting and rotting in the valleys, you’ll never be fully prepared for life down the road. You’ll forever be vulnerable, you’ll forever allow your self worth to be placed in others hands and in the end you’ll lose yourself totally.

Never let the enemy move you. Show them no expression. You stand firm. Will you collapse behind the scenes? Probably so, you’re experiencing and processing hurt. When your boundaries are set, your line of defense is solid, your moves have been silent- then like a thief in the night you fall like a thunderbolt, rock the ground, break glass ceilings, so you’re foundation is never taken from you again.

Normal? What is that?

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”

– Morticia Addams

I’M NORMAL, YOU’RE NOT NORMAL! Ever heard those words spew out someone’s mouth right in the middle of an argument or your breakdown? Those words that stop you dead in your tracts. In that moment you do not know if you want to run out the door or punch the person in the face.

It’s a moment, once the anger rages over your broken soul you think to yourself, maybe I’m not normal. But what actually is normal? According to the dictionary it’s conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. In that context then, if this is a heated conversation and I am breaking down then wouldn’t that be a usual, typical or expected response?

Maybe their normal is calm and collect, but obviously something said to me took me to another level. Maybe you’re the one not normal because in this moment you are obviously using words to trigger a response, so maybe messing with someone’s head is the part that’s not normal, yet this person is allowing you to be made out to be the crazy one.

Today, in therapy I brought up a scenario that recently happened to me and not to get into detail this scenario spiraled way out of control over something petty. It was one of those moments looking back you say to yourself, ” I should have just kept my mouth shut!” I am huge preacher on silence is golden, but my response to this persons actions was to be nice and thank them, but also at the same time continue to stand up for myself and say thanks, but no thanks for your gesture. And then all hell broke loose. Then I had to go into protective mode and big *BLEEP* to get the conversation to end.

It’s so exhausting being made to appear crazy, by the person causing it all. The therapists response was that of which, well what’s normal anyways. What truly is normal? My normal isn’t going to look like your normal and your normal isn’t going to look mine. I refuse to conform to someone else’s “normal” to make everything seem okay. I did this for years and now I am the one in therapy, suffering from aliments of someone else’s wrong doings, writing my life away in journals, being brought to my knees by people that have no clue nor care and feeling like I am losing myself in the process when it’s not necessary.

Makes you want to rip into a person, but we all know where that leads and I am no longer going there. I am punching up, not down to other peoples level. Maybe I am the chaos of the fly to the spider’s normal, but that’s okay because it’s transforming me into the person I was placed on earth to be. It just took 40 years to figure this out. Walk through hell like you own it. Sit with me, lets talk….