Stick and Stones….

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” Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” – Rumi

Words, they can heal or they can kill. They can cut like a knife and once said can forever be etched into the heart of anyone. It’s the ones forever embedded in our souls that replay in our heads for years to come.

I have this terrible downfall. A side of me that I constantly have to stay on top of or in a split second I can vomit out words that I know will slice deep. I developed it in the last couple years and I hate every second of every word spoken. I believe it’s a defense mechanism I have developed against people close to me. A protective mode I go into, so that I can be heard through my hurt.

My trust issues are as real as they come. I view everyone that gets to receive my love as someone that will sometime down the road abandon me. I can pretty much pin point why I feel that way, but to explain it only allows me to use it as an excuse and it deserves no recognition other then it’s my own fault if it comes out. I can take a lot, but as soon it builds and builds my theory of Oh yeah, you hurt me and now I am about to make you feel the same hurt comes pouring out of me. It’s ugly. It gets me no where other then just feeling more hurt because now I am hurting for the person I just let loose on.

We have complete control over our reactions to people, but as soon as you lose the control you’ve just given the power to the problem. I am learning through experience that not everything deserves a reaction from me no matter what I am feeling. I often say Silence is Golden and there couldn’t be any truer statement. It’s hard to do, but necessary in many circumstances.

I can say this with complete confidence that condemnation from a person towards you is only a reflection of what is going on internally in them. How can I say that? Well, because when I have spewed hateful things I know for a fact it reveals what I am feeling inside. What if instead we showed kindness in times we would rather rip out our hearts and place in the hands of the person who broke it? What if we stopped ourselves in our tracks and asked What can I do for you to change this between us instead of You did this, You caused this, You hurt me, you…you…you? We need to sometimes just close our mouths, open our ears and listen. That person may already be hurting just as bad as you in that moment and does not know how to express it to you.

Love on someone today!

Normal? What is that?

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly”

– Morticia Addams

I’M NORMAL, YOU’RE NOT NORMAL! Ever heard those words spew out someone’s mouth right in the middle of an argument or your breakdown? Those words that stop you dead in your tracts. In that moment you do not know if you want to run out the door or punch the person in the face.

It’s a moment, once the anger rages over your broken soul you think to yourself, maybe I’m not normal. But what actually is normal? According to the dictionary it’s conforming to a standard; usual, typical or expected. In that context then, if this is a heated conversation and I am breaking down then wouldn’t that be a usual, typical or expected response?

Maybe their normal is calm and collect, but obviously something said to me took me to another level. Maybe you’re the one not normal because in this moment you are obviously using words to trigger a response, so maybe messing with someone’s head is the part that’s not normal, yet this person is allowing you to be made out to be the crazy one.

Today, in therapy I brought up a scenario that recently happened to me and not to get into detail this scenario spiraled way out of control over something petty. It was one of those moments looking back you say to yourself, ” I should have just kept my mouth shut!” I am huge preacher on silence is golden, but my response to this persons actions was to be nice and thank them, but also at the same time continue to stand up for myself and say thanks, but no thanks for your gesture. And then all hell broke loose. Then I had to go into protective mode and big *BLEEP* to get the conversation to end.

It’s so exhausting being made to appear crazy, by the person causing it all. The therapists response was that of which, well what’s normal anyways. What truly is normal? My normal isn’t going to look like your normal and your normal isn’t going to look mine. I refuse to conform to someone else’s “normal” to make everything seem okay. I did this for years and now I am the one in therapy, suffering from aliments of someone else’s wrong doings, writing my life away in journals, being brought to my knees by people that have no clue nor care and feeling like I am losing myself in the process when it’s not necessary.

Makes you want to rip into a person, but we all know where that leads and I am no longer going there. I am punching up, not down to other peoples level. Maybe I am the chaos of the fly to the spider’s normal, but that’s okay because it’s transforming me into the person I was placed on earth to be. It just took 40 years to figure this out. Walk through hell like you own it. Sit with me, lets talk….