This Is How This Is Going To Go…

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You are going to hurt like hell

So one day you can fully embrace happiness.

You are going to lose it all – friends, love, material things, everything

So whats meant to be, has room to attach to a welcoming soul.

You are going to cry, cry like you have never cried before, so hard you can’t breathe

So when that smile comes, it lights up every room you walk in.

You are going to sit alone, in your emotions, in your mess for a very long time

So in time, you finally realize what self love is really all about.

You are going to be brought to your knees, then to rock bottom

So one day when you are at the top, you’ll extend grace to others.

You are going to make some terrible decisions, decisions that make you appear crazy to some

So one day you will never place yourself in situations where you feel out of control.

You are going to feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy

So one day you will stop freely handing out every ounce of your being to just anyone.

You are going to experience all of this to its fullest extent and you are going to want to give up

So that one day you will look back and see just how strong you truly are.

So this is how it’s going to go. Welcome it, feel it and then release it. It is all very heavy and no longer yours to carry. After all, your strongest people were once found face down on their bathroom floor in a puddle of tears gripping onto life by a thread. This is your time to fail and then rise again. Strength and success comes to those that choose to put in the work. Now go work your ass off, your best life awaits you…..

Single Handedly…Single

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Be yourself there is no one better

Today was my first Valentines day alone in about 20 years. I never really got into Valentines Day, my view was send me flowers any other day of the year when I know I have really crossed your mind. It’s a money making holiday and nothing more. It’s a time when social media is flooded with pictures of flowers, gifts and food. It’s pretty fake I must add.

Today I have noticed several post of couples acting like everything is together and posting their pretty flower pictures and their I love you’s. All falling into the trap of conforming to what society is herding you into. In the meantime, I have several I can point out who one or the other is being unfaithful, and yes I have facts to back that up, yet they made their post to seem like they just fell in love this morning. Makes me want to roll my eyes back in my head. Sorry, but I really want to call your ass out, but I won’t. You will self destruct before long. Just another realization of why you never believe or compare yourself to any other person on that screen your looking at.

This Valentines I chose to sit with myself. Sit with my emotions of missing a certain man. I chose to let the emotions come, feel them and then release them back. I chose today to love on and show kindness to anyone that crossed my path today. Why? because for a one reason. There has been a time I have been told I am no longer loved, no longer worthy, no longer wanted and I wanted to remind the ones that may be in that same position that now is the time to find self love and self care. Never to place your whole being into someone that doesn’t match your effort.

So today I sat in my mess of emotions. I welcomed them and I felt them. I passed the man I was missing on the road today. It got me….right in the gut. How coincidence was that? Haven’t spoken to him or seen him weeks and here we are on a country road passing each other. That was just divine intervention…..but not the intervention where he comes and chases down the girl and tells her he misses her so much. That never happens to me, I have always been the chaser. It was the type of intervention that reminded me that I am okay. That what I thought I couldn’t survive, I have survived and grown. Thankfully now, because I have learned how to be alone and sit and work through any emotions, I was able to come home excuse myself to feel that sadness, acknowledge it and then move on with my evening.

I’ll leave you with one piece of advice. Hold dearly onto your worth, your identity, your confidence. The second you place it in someone else’s hands because you’re trying so hard to show them how much you love and care for them is the second you just sold yourself to them. It’s the hardest thing to get back after heartbreak. Find yourself, love yourself, respect yourself. Sit with me lets talk…..

Perfect Discipline, Extreme Courage and Exceeding Strength

Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt– SUN TZU

Two years ago, I was at the in the middle of my very long drawn out grueling divorce. I was handed a book from someone. The book The Art of War. I looked a little dumbfounded. What does this have to do with me right now? I am not headed to war, or was I? Read it, it’s time to fight is what he spoke to me as he handed me the book. I flipped through the book and thought what the hell this was written in 500 BC I can’t even understand what’s being said. Not, until I sat down and fully put my mind to the military tactics being laid out.

I spent many hours in attorney offices and court rooms. I just wanted it to stop, but now the man I was once married to was now my enemy. I wanted to scream out my part and explain every part of unfairness for something I did not cause. My attorney, who more then once had me in tears in his office, coached me over and over about losing my cool. Losing my cool? It’s what I do best when I feel like I need to be heard and to defend myself. If you don’t control yourself you will lose everything we are fighting for and losing control is exactly what they want you to do, he said to me.

So now a fighter had to fight another way. I had to learn to fight in silence. Make moves in silence. I turned to my book. It taught me so much about how to catch my enemy off guard. It taught me to the the Gray Rock Method. Although on the stand and being questioned, or facing my ex when he wanted to trigger me would make my whole insides burn like I was on fire, you couldn’t change my reaction or my facial expression. I finally set my boundaries of how things were going to go. My attorney was right all along, He did the dirty work and I focused on myself and to be the silent the dagger I needed to be to protect myself, my sanity and my children.

We fast forward 2 years later. The book that was handed to me was now from the same hands that wants to destroy my mental state. I let my guard down. I fell for the man. A man that was so mysterious I yearned to know him more. Everything I learned, I set to the side. I gave whatever I even had left inside me to make this work for over 2 crazy years. Literally gave everything I knew to understand him. It’s 2.5 years later, am I left wondering what the hell I have even been doing for this long. It’s not fulfilling to me. We broke up months ago and yet I play the same stupid games. I let his words destroy me. I have found that same fearful girl I once knew. The one that doesn’t sleep, that lets anxiety of the situation take complete rule over my days. That little girl you’ll find trying to fix something that isn’t fixable. The one you’ll find curled up in a fetal position on her floor praying for the pain to end. It’s nothing, but a vicious cycle and I keep playing the game. My mental state of mind kept me playing in the wound.

That game stops now. Our last worthless conversation comes to an end now. He’s now placed in the same category of those that mess with my mind. He took everything he saw me go through in my divorce and he has used it perfectly against me. Intentionally or unintentionally I will no longer allow it. I’m reaching in his back pocket and stealing back my worth. No one will take this hard work I’ve done to heal and use it against me.

Boundaries, a word for the hurting I can not stress enough. I speak from experience. It’s taking back your life, your control. I’ve sat in many hours of therapy over the last 3 years being taught boundaries. I grasped it once when I went through my divorce then let my guard down wanting to be saved by a man I fell in love with. I failed at it once again, but that’s okay. I am a firm believer everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to experience it once again to fully take back hold over my own life. To never let it happen again. Pain and hurt build internal strength for something down the road you’ll need to be prepared for. Without sitting and rotting in the valleys, you’ll never be fully prepared for life down the road. You’ll forever be vulnerable, you’ll forever allow your self worth to be placed in others hands and in the end you’ll lose yourself totally.

Never let the enemy move you. Show them no expression. You stand firm. Will you collapse behind the scenes? Probably so, you’re experiencing and processing hurt. When your boundaries are set, your line of defense is solid, your moves have been silent- then like a thief in the night you fall like a thunderbolt, rock the ground, break glass ceilings, so you’re foundation is never taken from you again.