Today was my first Valentines day alone in about 20 years. I never really got into Valentines Day, my view was send me flowers any other day of the year when I know I have really crossed your mind. It’s a money making holiday and nothing more. It’s a time when social media is flooded with pictures of flowers, gifts and food. It’s pretty fake I must add.
Today I have noticed several post of couples acting like everything is together and posting their pretty flower pictures and their I love you’s. All falling into the trap of conforming to what society is herding you into. In the meantime, I have several I can point out who one or the other is being unfaithful, and yes I have facts to back that up, yet they made their post to seem like they just fell in love this morning. Makes me want to roll my eyes back in my head. Sorry, but I really want to call your ass out, but I won’t. You will self destruct before long. Just another realization of why you never believe or compare yourself to any other person on that screen your looking at.
This Valentines I chose to sit with myself. Sit with my emotions of missing a certain man. I chose to let the emotions come, feel them and then release them back. I chose today to love on and show kindness to anyone that crossed my path today. Why? because for a one reason. There has been a time I have been told I am no longer loved, no longer worthy, no longer wanted and I wanted to remind the ones that may be in that same position that now is the time to find self love and self care. Never to place your whole being into someone that doesn’t match your effort.
So today I sat in my mess of emotions. I welcomed them and I felt them. I passed the man I was missing on the road today. It got me….right in the gut. How coincidence was that? Haven’t spoken to him or seen him weeks and here we are on a country road passing each other. That was just divine intervention…..but not the intervention where he comes and chases down the girl and tells her he misses her so much. That never happens to me, I have always been the chaser. It was the type of intervention that reminded me that I am okay. That what I thought I couldn’t survive, I have survived and grown. Thankfully now, because I have learned how to be alone and sit and work through any emotions, I was able to come home excuse myself to feel that sadness, acknowledge it and then move on with my evening.
I’ll leave you with one piece of advice. Hold dearly onto your worth, your identity, your confidence. The second you place it in someone else’s hands because you’re trying so hard to show them how much you love and care for them is the second you just sold yourself to them. It’s the hardest thing to get back after heartbreak. Find yourself, love yourself, respect yourself. Sit with me lets talk…..
Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd- Rumi
Forgiveness, a hard truth, a painful acceptance, but oh so necessary. What actually is forgiveness? Is it receiving an apology and choosing to forgive the person. Most of the time, NO! It typically comes in the form of being done wrong, receiving no apology, but forgiving anyways for your own growth. It’s taking the higher road. Forgiving and moving on.
I don’t view forgiveness as praying about it, accepting it, giving it and being done with it. I think forgiveness is a daily work in progress. I fully believe you can choose to forgive for that final let go, but have to work at it daily to walk in forgiveness. No matter what’s tossed at you, you still choose to walk upright and in forgiveness. It’s hard to do, especially if there was never an I am sorry in the situation.
Life will hit you daily and takes you back to that victim role. You’ve been handed a deck of cards that you never asked for, but it’s time to play the hell out of them. You’ll probably be continually hurt by the person you choose to forgive, you forever remember the past, but it’s at that time your forgiveness has to be bigger then any pain you feel. You see walking in forgiveness actually has nothing to do with the other persons actions and everything to do with yourself. It’s part of the stepping stones to healing and moving on. It will suck most days. You’ll want to feel like you need to explain yourself in most circumstances. You’re just that type of person that doesn’t like to walk away from people like you’ve given up. At this time you have to realize you’re not giving up on them, but choosing to release whats been done and choosing your self now.
Forgiveness is so hard. I know I fight to choose it daily. I want to go down swinging and explaining everything I did to fight so hard, but there’s always an ending point. There’s always a point where you have to choose the higher road, leave them be and forgive them from your heart.
It’s hard, but it’s freedom. Sit with me, lets talk……
” Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” – Rumi
Words, they can heal or they can kill. They can cut like a knife and once said can forever be etched into the heart of anyone. It’s the ones forever embedded in our souls that replay in our heads for years to come.
I have this terrible downfall. A side of me that I constantly have to stay on top of or in a split second I can vomit out words that I know will slice deep. I developed it in the last couple years and I hate every second of every word spoken. I believe it’s a defense mechanism I have developed against people close to me. A protective mode I go into, so that I can be heard through my hurt.
My trust issues are as real as they come. I view everyone that gets to receive my love as someone that will sometime down the road abandon me. I can pretty much pin point why I feel that way, but to explain it only allows me to use it as an excuse and it deserves no recognition other then it’s my own fault if it comes out. I can take a lot, but as soon it builds and builds my theory of Oh yeah, youhurt me and now I am about to make you feel the same hurt comes pouring out of me. It’s ugly. It gets me no where other then just feeling more hurt because now I am hurting for the person I just let loose on.
We have complete control over our reactions to people, but as soon as you lose the control you’ve just given the power to the problem. I am learning through experience that not everything deserves a reaction from me no matter what I am feeling. I often say Silence is Golden and there couldn’t be any truer statement. It’s hard to do, but necessary in many circumstances.
I can say this with complete confidence that condemnation from a person towards you is only a reflection of what is going on internally in them. How can I say that? Well, because when I have spewed hateful things I know for a fact it reveals what I am feeling inside. What if instead we showed kindness in times we would rather rip out our hearts and place in the hands of the person who broke it? What if we stopped ourselves in our tracks and asked What can I do for you to change this between us instead of You did this, You caused this, You hurt me, you…you…you? We need to sometimes just close our mouths, open our ears and listen. That person may already be hurting just as bad as you in that moment and does not know how to express it to you.